30 June 2010

Cyber Bullying

I'm being cyber bullied. The interweb is trying to make my feelings hurt.

It all started with Facebook. One day, when I had thirty spare seconds in which to obsessively check again whether anyone had invited me to one of their events and be sad when they hadn't, Facebook told me it was deleting all of my favourite books, music and interests. It was the online equivalent of pushing me over in the sandpit. Well, ok then. So I went back a few days later to fix it all up. I made the dreadful mistake of also ticking the profile box that says 'I'm single'.

Facebook took this information, gleefully posted it on all my friends' newsfeeds, and laughed behind its stupid blue hands when everyone commented. And then it began to taunt me in earnest.

Gone were the ads telling me I should buy pretty dresses,get free samples, adopt a lost cow and fight abdominal fat. Instead, it gave me this:



Low blow, Facebook. I'm SILIH ('Sitting Immobile, Laughing Inside Head' - it's more accurate than 'ROFL' or even 'LOL'. Not my original. A very funny guy made it up).

So I went back to NZDating. Surely a whole site full of desperate losers could make me feel good about myself again? Not so. NZDating told me I would die alone unless I paid them money. Ouch.

At least it gave me the best conversation I had all week.

HIM: How has your week been? Got any plans for the weekend?

ME: My week has been just fabulous. This weekend I have a dinner with work people and lunch with a friend.

HIM: Full on fun huh? So is it cold down there right now?

ME: Yes, freezing.

HIM: Booo. You know what might warm you up?

ME: My electric blanket? Cayenne pepper mixed with vodka? House fire?

HIM: A house fire started by an electric blanket that someone spilt cayenne pepper vodka on... or an orgasm.

ME: I'm not sure it's terribly safe to orgasm during a house fire.

HIM: Well if your house isnt on fire, I'm sure you will be fine for now... Do you have MSN?

ME: I just set it on fire. Should I not have done that?

HIM: It's probably for the best...

24 June 2010

iPhone, You Phone, We Phone... the Android

I went to a roadshow today, and I think I fell in love.

Today, I was introduced to Android. The phone carrying it was some shiny pretty skinny little thing, and I was so enraptured that I didn't even take notice of its name (gentlemen, I completely understand now why you never remember mine...!)

Specifically, it was the Apps. I'm not mobile-geeky enough to know whether you're supposed to capitalise 'Apps', but they're impressive enough that I will anyway. I discovered that there's an App that will identify which constellation you're looking at when you point your phone at the night sky. There's another that will let you take a picture of a landmark and search for what it's called. There's even one for scanning barcodes!

A few hours after I made these wonderful discoveries, I was in a meeting with my boss, who was cooing over her new iPhone. The conversation of course turned to Apps - both iPhone and Android.

"Android, Android, Android," I robotically repeated. There were some words in between, but they probably weren't important.

"But iPhone has over a million Apps!" she countered.

"Android Apps are open source!" I parried.

Of course, I have only the vaguest notion of what "open source" actually means, but I feel somehow geeky and superior whenever I say it. She may have trumped me anyway by showing me her App that makes a hooter noise like the ones you hear at the cricket.

Whichever your preference, Android or iPhone, I've come up with some Apps that probably don't exist, but should.

Boy Racer Pick-up Line Generator

Always have a sure-fire winner ready to shout from the passenger's window of your mate's pink-stickered Supra.

"Phwoar, she's hot... help me out iPhone... here it comes... "Show us your tits!""

"Dude, I really like that chick who works in the McDonalds drive-thru... oh, your Android can guarantee I get her? Here we go... "Waaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Nice one, thanks Dude."

Cat to English Translator

"Hi Kitty, did you miss me? Mummy's home to feed you! Oh, what's that you say? Hold on, I'll get the iPhone out..."

"Mreooooooowrrr."

"Let's see what you're saying, pretty girl! Bet you're hungry! Good kitty. Ok, now... oh. My haircut offends your delicate eyes. Why don't I take that swill I call cat food and... ...oh. Oh. I had no idea you felt that way."

Argument Buddy

The concept for this one is simple. Automatically activated when a person's voice exceeds a preset number of decibels, it records the further-away of two voices (presumably your opponent's) and plays it back to them in a silly voice.

"I told you I wanted LAST MONTH'S FIGURES, not 2008's!"

(Sponge-Bob Squarepants voice): "I told you I wanted last month's figures, not 2008's!"

If anyone actually makes this and it results in violent death, I deny all responsibility.

22 June 2010

Infinite Jest

I'm reading this book at the moment called Infinite Jest. It's amazing. Not amazing because it's good, although it supposedly is, but amazing because it's the only book ever that has managed to beat me. For serious. I started on this behemoth in 2008.

It's not because it's one thousand and seventy-nine pages long. I can handle that. It's not even written in another language (though it might as well be). It's just that David Foster Wallace swallowed a dictionary - possibly multiple dictionaries - some of them Martian - and spewed it back up again, and labelled the resulting mess Infinite Jest.

Everyone knows that I have a fairly formidable vocabulary. But find me one person who knows what both the words 'anaplastic' and 'candidiatic' mean without looking them up. Go on, I dare you. If you can find such a person, I'd sure like to shake their hand. And then I'll ask them what 'arachnodactylic' means.

In recognition of the fact that I'll probably never wade through it, I've come up with some alternative uses for Infinite Jest.

Murder Weapon

It's huge, it's heavy, it won't leave visible marks. Perfect, really. If someone from work turns up dead tomorrow and I've hitched a ride on a plane to Aruba, you'll know why.

Attacking Crocodile Jaw-Jamming Mechanism

That sucker will be chomping away forever. By the time he gnaws through you'll not only have run away, you'll have died of old age.

Laptop-Elevating Computer Cooling System

That's actually what I'm using it for right now.

Advanced Spider Execution Device

Even white-tails are no match for Infinite Jest. Trust me. It's tried and true.

Child Restraint


Just watch little Junior try to escape from under this. Far more secure than a crib and a baby harness that are both inside Rimutaka, guarded by rabid dogs and surrounded by a moat filled with sharks with laser eyes.

Alien Stupefecation Tool


They'll be so engrossed in trying to figure it out, you'll have plenty of time to blow up their spaceship, round up their soldiers and adapt their technology for the purposes of destroying the ozone layer even faster. Unless they're Martians. Then they'd probably get it.

Give it a read. I'll buy a drink for the first person to prove they've made it all the way through.

21 June 2010

Geek TV

Today, I had one of those rare things - a Monday off work. They're brilliant in theory, but when all your friends are at work and your money ran out two weeks ago, what do you do with them?

After sleeping 'till lunchtime and then logging into my work email to pre-stress myself for tomorrow, I engaged in intense conversation with my cat. We cut that short though after a minor disagreement (she's clearly quite insane. Mrrrreowr is not, and never has been, more historically important than Purrrrr, Purrrrrr!). She gave me one of those looks and stalked off to try and adopt the neighbours again, so I said "fine!" and went in search of more erudite entertainment.

The stack of unwashed dishes looked appealing until I thought I saw something move in there - then I decided they were best left well enough alone. So I crawled back to bed to indulge in a little Geek TV. Wonders of the day include:

Legend of the Seeker

I'm embarassed to discover that this was filmed in New Zealand. And it has Jay Laga'aia in it. I've never read Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth books, which the series is based on, but I think my sister once said he's alright so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and thinking they must have butchered his stories.

The costumes look like something from an op-shop, it's full of hammy bit-part acting, and the overly-intense main characters wouldn't recognise humour if it turned into a magical vine and bit them on the ass. The plot 'twists' are laughable, and given away in the first two minutes by the use of a couple of significant utterances. Helpfully, in case you're particularly stupid, they let you know an utterance is significant by pausing for a moment after saying it and looking even more somber. Each episode is peppered with slow-motion sword-fighting scenes where the hot chick companion whirls around unnecessarily so her hair looks pretty and her dress billows out.

The Tudors

I have a guilty love for this show. Sure, it's slow, we already know what's going to happen and the execution scenes are unwatchably graphic (I hide my eyes behind my hands and squeal like a little girl - don't tell anyone). But the costumes are amazing. The one disbelief I haven't been able to suspend, however, is that everyone in the sixteenth-century UK was beautiful and they all had perfect teeth. I mean, look at British people now, and then imagine them without electric toothbrushes. Shudder.

Doctor Who

The best thing I watched all day (despite the cliffhanger ending, and having to wait a whole week to see how he'll weasel himself out of this mess!). I have to admit I love Matt Smith. Matt, I apologise, at first I thought no one could ever measure up to David Tennant. But you're right. Bowties are cool. Consider my imaginary engagement to David null and void - my heart now belongs only to you.







Now I'm sick of TV and the dishes are moving again. I'm frightened. I think a drink will fix it. I'm coming, pub!

19 June 2010

The NZDating Experiment - Part Deux

With an ad like mine, I wasn't expecting quite so many replies as I received. I won't bore you with a blow-by-blow of the eleventy billion "hi hows yr wknd" or "hae wats gng on cutie?? u up 4 a chat????" messages I received, all from 45 to 59 year old men (seriously? I have a Dad, I'm not really looking for another...!) Instead, here are some highlights from my week in messages.

The Pick-up Lines

"Is it hot around here, or is it just you?"
"So, I finally found you…the date of my dreams!"
"Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself."
And my very favourite...
"Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

The Slightly Disturbing


"Fancy some memorable fun and excitement ? Hi Im down in CHCH Mon-Wed next week on business for my IT company Im looking for someone to join me for interesting conversation, wine, kissing, and fantastic sex in my 5* hotel room in town - days or nights Interested in an adventure?"
"Something tells me you're sweet - just like me!"
"I was not aware carrots had legs anyway, well I would not wish to be a carrot this time of year, stuck in the freezing ground and nothing to do."
"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."

The Just Plain Wrong

Hi there, Would you be interested in having a submissive male to please and pamper you, to do what ever you want when you want?? Perhaps someone to please you sexually or someone to do the things that you don't want to do. If that sounds appealing i would welcome a reply from you. Perhaps i could help satisfy you the way YOU WANT! I look forward to your reply."
"I liked your profile except the part about killing spiders, is ok if the are white tails, apart from that I like spiders."
"I'll be honest I'm only 20 but please just hear me out. I don't know what it is but I prefer the company of a woman older than my myself as opposed to a young one,as i seem to gel better with women older than me. Plus they are more mature than girls my age and have it together. So would love to get to know you and you to know me. So, yeah, message me if you're keen."
"hi there how are you? ok this is a bit out there but is just a question ok,,, are you open to anything kinky? ever been interested in trying a strapon on a guy? if not just say. thanks."

In addition to these, I found some dude I once met in a pub who claimed to be Irish Roman Catholic, allergic to water and gave me a long, intense story about scarfies, scurvy and how AIDS really spreads (I only talked to him because he could blow epic smoke rings and had a beret).
To be fair, they're not all bad. I came across one genuinely interesting, intelligent, educated, attractive guy. After I messaged him, he took his advert down. Rumour has it he changed his name and fled to Alaska. Sigh.

So there you have it, folks, that's my story... have you had any experience with online dating? Do share.

18 June 2010

The NZDating Experiment

So, let's kick this off with a tale of woe. Last Friday night at the obligatory after-work drinkies, a friend of mine was brutally honest with me. "Oh," she said "blah blah's not interested in you." (blah blah being my latest ill-conceived crush). I wasn't surprised. My track record with men over the past year has been abysmal.

Hung-over and teary-eyed the next morning, I decided to try some brutal honesty of my own. Who hasn't heard of NZDating? I figured I'd cheer myself up with a little entertainment. Long story short, I created a profile no man in his right mind would ever want to click on, under the pseudonym "Irulan" (the rejected princess from Dune... oh, I really am a geek!). And here it is:



Burnt carrots don't have legs

Ah, great, a chance to talk about myself. I love doing that almost as much as I love cleaning the loo and killing giant spiders.

I'm a chainsmoking crazy cat lady who hates to clean, isn't very good at cooking and is selfish and a wee bit mean sometimes. I have a B.Com, can spell, own books that don't have pictures in them and really love sarcasm.

I detest long walks on the beach and really like nights at the pub where I drink a bit too much and say whatever comes into my head, no matter how inappropriate it is.

I write poetry and sad songs which I strum on my guitar when I suddenly remember I haven't picked it up in three months and feel guilty for neglecting it.

I'm practically married to my work and frankly I'm damn good at it. I'm a commitment-phobe, easily bored by people, like spending time alone and hypocrisy is my greatest virtue.

Queue forms to the left. No pushing.


The important characteristics I'm looking for:

I have ridiculously high standards - i.e. an IQ above that of a lemur, good hygiene and an appreciation for music and the written word. I like hot nerds. Not the little candy things that come in two colours in the little paper box that you've for some reason put in the microwave; actual hot nerds.

Knowing how to use a semicolon would be a bonus. Be warned, I won't reply to your message if it's in txt language.


Watch this space for the hilarity that ensued. You're in for a treat!