Mansoon

So it seems it's Mansoon season once again.

For those not familiar with the concept, Mansoon season is that time when, after months or even years of nobody giving you a second look, let alone the time of day, it's like you've suddenly turned into Megan Fox, inherited a brewery and won the lotto, all overnight. Seemingly every guy friend, random, old flame and Adidas-wearing guy with B.O. who sings to himself at the bus stop* has decided you're not so repulsive after all and they wouldn't mind spending some quality time with you. It's bewildering, flattering, and temporary.

I've even gone on two actual dates - almost like a grown-up! Not as cool as Ally's fancy restaurant date, of course, but still, dates.

Over the years, my gal pals and I have theorised endlessly as to why this phenomenon occurs. Is it the time of year? Some ancestral throwback to the best time for cave gentleman and cave ladies to make cave babies? Or does it happen because we've finally accepted we'll be alone forever, and nature has decided it would be a beautiful irony?

Whatever the reason, Mansoon season invariably ends the same way. Confronted with such a smorgasbord of choices, I end up deciding on none, pissing them all off and they all run away again and leave me drinking wine and talking to my cat.

With this in mind, I've going to get into my comfy pants, eat a steak and cuddle up on the couch with my kitty and a romantic comedy until the rain blows away and all is normal again. And because this has not been a very funny post, here are some NZDating one-line wonders for you.

HIM: hi want to fuck
ME: hi want to fuck off?

HIM: *WARNING TEXT ALERT* Jokes :P ummm text language... wait how would that work if i cant text you? aka message you here? damn i'm outta luck then i guess
ME: I guess you are.

HIM: I honestly would hope that after spending 4 years at Uni and obtaining a BA in Psychology as well as commencing a Masters, if I didn't know how to string a sentence together I'd be pritty pissed. I am a hot nerd. I know how to take care of myself and those around me. I just hope that because I'm 22 that you don't rule me out.
ME: Oh no. I ruled you out because you misspelled "pretty".

HIM: Keen 4 a fuck sexy
ME: Why yes! Do you have an attractive friend that wants to do me?

HIM: hello how are you and really you have two beautiful eyes
ME: Yeah, the third one is pretty ugly.

* I made this bit up. I think that guy thinks I'm weird.

Pinny Nation!

Last weekend I did something I hadn't done in a long, long time... I took a holiday.

A real life girls' weekend, like normal people take! We drove to Geraldine (huge thanks to Emma for letting us invade her family holiday place!) and got stuck straight into the wine.

There was a catch, however... this was not just any girls' weekend - this was the Pinny Nation girls' weekend. That's right. I sewed.

Those of you who know me will be gasping with shock and horror right now. The most domestic thing I do is occasionally swipe at the bathroom sink when the toothpaste ickies get too thick. I can't cut in a straight line (I even failed at colouring-in when I was five). And if you've ever thrown me something breakable, you'll know that I have no hand-eye co-ordination whatsoever.

Still, this was a rite of passage... it had to be done.

Sure, it took many hours of swearing like a sailor, many more G&T's, and my fingertips resembled colanders filled with tomato, but in the end, I had a pinny!

The pinny of amazingness

Try not to look too closely - the pockets have holes in them, and I kept cutting the blue ribbon tape too short so there are bits kind of tacked on here and there to fill the gaps. Shut up. It's a pinny. And I made it.

With that done, we wore our pinnies around town and then got more drunk and ate lots. It rained and the yard flooded so we drank more.

The outdoor bath doubles as a rowboat when required

A 'Pinny Nation' flag was made but the sequins fell off so to fix it there was more wine. And we did facials too. Don't smoke with a tinfoil mask on your face. Don't ask why - just don't. Trust me.

I liked the paraffin bath that made my hands look like they were dead. It was satisfyingly creepy.

Braaaaaiiiiiins!

In honour of Pinny Nation, and my newfound seamstress goddess status, I give you a sewing-themed NZDating conversation (as always, completely real).

28 year old Male from West Coast seeking Relationships

HIM: hey there hows it gong? just wondering have ya got webcam?

ME: Hi there! Yes, I do. Do you have an 1889 vintage Singer sewing machine with treadle?

HIM: yeah i do u should add me on msn if your up for some fun or like to watch

ME: You'd let me watch you sew? On camera?

HIM: yep if your keen add me st*********22@windowslive.com im keen as hun

ME: It depends. What are you going to be sewing?

HIM: my cock hun
r u going to add me hun

ME: Interesting... so what'll it be? A wee foreskin dress so you can put makeup on it and pretend it's a little girl puppet?

HIM: yeah honey thats the one

ME: What colour thread are you using? This is important.

HIM: white i think

ME: Oh, no. Sorry, I'll give it a miss.